Dear readers, I have been procrastinating about writing this post for a while due to not wanting to share my dark thoughts with the whole entire world but I’m doing it anyway! This week my boyfriend started studying IT at La Trobe University and I’ve had to work through some envy. Before I delve deep into my swampy emotions I want to make very clear that I’m so proud of him and these boastful feelings override any other.
I’m not envious of what he’s doing because I want to be studying IT or even be at uni myself. I am envious because if I had taken a different path than where I am now I would be where he is currently. At the start of the year I started a bridging course to be able to get into uni and study something I thought I would’ve enjoyed like Bachelor of Arts. However, I soon found out that the bridging course wasn’t for me. You couldn’t choose the subjects you did so they were either way too easy for me and time consuming or completely over my head and not interesting at all.
So to summarise, I’m really grieving at the loss of what could have been which has nothing to do with my boyfriend. I will admit though, through this unpacking of my emotions that I reached over the past week I discovered that I’m a little bit pissed off at my former high school for pushing me into doing VCAL (the alternative to VCE). It appeared to be the easier option for the staff as they didn’t have to do extra work to make VCE viable for me. They knew full well I was capable of doing the work but seemed to care more about what suited them better. I’m also a little bit annoyed with myself for not standing up for what I wanted and believed I could do.
Aside from the resentment which I’m working through now for my own mental health, I am reminding myself to be proud of what I’m achieving right now and how far I’ve come. I have started writing this blog and improving immensely in physiotherapy. I don’t know what’s around the corner, my life path might lead me to university after all or something else entirely. Dear readers, be grateful for what you have and what you have achieved, no matter the situation.